


11 Lives

by HalfAnachronism



Series: Merlahad [5]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Cats, Lots and lots of cats, M/M, Prompt Fill, i know this is shit but oh well i wrote it while at work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7412500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfAnachronism/pseuds/HalfAnachronism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin and Harry have 99 problems, and all of them are cats.</p>
<p>Somebody asked me to write domestic fluff Merlahad. This happened instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	11 Lives

**Author's Note:**

> Okay okay okay so I know that this isn't very fluffy but like I wrote this while at work and I don't know it just kind of happened, but anywho I will be writing another story (a more fluffier one) for this prompt once my brain starts working properly.

“Harry, I think we have a problem.”

Harry looked up from the papers he was scribbling nonsense on. “What are you talking about?”

Before Merlin could say anything, Gawain, one of their cats, jumped onto the desk and strolled leisurely onto Harry's papers. Gawain quickly decided that this was the best spot to sleep in, and laid down.

“That.” Merlin said, gesturing to the cat. “ _That_ is our problem.”

“Gawain? No, he's one of the nicer ones.”

“Harry, our problem is that we've got eleven cats.”

Harry seemed to ponder this. After a moment, he said, “You're absolutely right. We need more cats. I'll contact the shelter.”

“Be serious. There are cats literally everywhere. We've got four separate litterboxes. And have you _seen_ the things they've dragged in?”

“Merlin, you know as well as I do that it's only Ozymandias that brings in dead things, none of the other cats do that.”

“We need to get rid of a cat or two. We've got more insurance on them than we do on us.”

“I think we will survive. You're the one that started this cat trend, remember?”

Merlin sighed. Of course he remembered. He bought their first cat, Flavia, after Harry had been shot by Valentine. It had been an impulse buy, his logic being that he'd spent so many years living with Harry that if he didn't have a companion he'd go mad, and a cat is as good a companion as any. When Harry turned out to not be dead but just in a coma, Merlin bought another cat, Francis, this time for no particular reason besides to celebrate. Months later, when Harry had woken up from his coma and was returning home to his husband (and the cats), another cat, Matilda, was acquired, this time as a gift from Percival. Then, on Harry's first day back at work, Chester (named after the late Arthur and because he “simply looks like a Chester”, at least according to Harry) was found wandering around on the street.

And thus began the infamous cat trend. Harry found or bought most of the rest, but the others were gifts, such as Emma, who was kidnapped (catnapped?) by Eggsy from a mob boss while on a mission. By the time Chester was adopted, Merlin decided that they had enough cats. But Harry, ever the dork, was not content with their cat count, and wanted more. And, as always, Harry got what he wanted.

Merlin couldn't argue though. He had spent so many nights waiting in that cold hospital room for Harry to wake up, to at least wiggle a finger or blink his eyes, that he was fine with whatever made Harry happy. Until they reached eleven cats, that is.

Harry continued, “Our cats are our family. If we give them away, they'll have to go to somebody we know and trust.”

“But you're not disagreeing with me?”

“Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.”

Merlin shook his head. “Now that's just not fair,” he said, leaning over and kissing Harry.

 

“Would you like a cat?”

“What.” Percival responded flatly.

Merlin slowly drew out his words. “Would...... you..... like.... a–”

“I get what you're trying to say, Merlin, I just don't know why you're asking me if I want a cat.”

“Because cats are amazing, beautiful creatures and they're good friends, which I'm sure could be helpful after–” Merlin stopped himself. Shit, he had almost mentioned the old Lancelot, which would always be a sore subject for Percival, who'd spent years dating the fool that, over a year ago, was cut in two.

Percival’s face fell flat (well, flatter than usual). He looked as if he was planning Merlin's murder.

“Percy, I'm sorry-”

Percival started laughing. “I'm just fucking with you, of course I'll take a cat! But promise me that the next time you try to pawn one of those bastards off on somebody, don't try to advertise them like they're spectacular. Cats are demons, and no amount of compliments can change that.”

Merlin smiled. “Fair enough.”

Percival was right, though. Most of the Kingsmen were dog people, so trying to sell the cats as ‘amazing, beautiful creatures’ definitely wasn't going to work.

Either way, one down, ten to go. Or, rather, six to go, since five was the number of cats they'd decided on, but this was still a victory.

 

“Harry? Er, sorry– Arthur, I mean.”

Harry turned around in his swivel chair. No matter how old he got, he would always adore swivel chairs and despise any other sort of chair. “Yes?”

“There’s a cat in my bag.” Eggsy held up his bag and proved that there was, in fact, a cat in the bag.

“Indeed.”

“This cat looks an awful lot like the one I nicked from that mafia guy.”

“I suppose it is. Do you have a question, Galahad?”

“Well, I was wondering why your cat is in my bag.”

Harry briefly reminisced on how he struggled to get the cat to cooperate with him. It was a small cat so it fit perfectly in Eggsy’s bag (which he had left wide open just in case there was some sort of catastrophe), but it took him a good ten minutes and a whole jarful of cat treats to coax the kitten into the bag. Merlin had laughed at him the whole time, telling him to just hand the cat to Eggsy and walk away, and avoid these little covert operations altogether. But by that point the cat was halfway into the bag, so Harry decided to stick with his own plan.

“The cat probably just crawled in there. She probably likes it. You should keep her. Not necessarily in the bag, but in general.”

Eggsy raised an eyebrow. “All righty then.”

“In fact, while you’re at it, would you like another cat? Merlin and I have quite a few to spare.”

“Um, I’m good, thanks.”

“Oh, come on. You can’t have little Emma here getting lonely, now can you? She’s quite good friends with Vladimir, you should take him as well.”

“Isn’t Vladimir one of those naked cats?”

“Yes, he and Ozymandias are sphynx cats. Would you like Ozymandias as well? They both come with their own designer sweaters. And pants!”

“Um–”

“If you’re taking Vladi you should take Ozzy, they can’t be separated. So that’s that then. Have a good day.”

And with that, Harry stood and left the room.

 

“So, what’s the cat count?” Harry said, sitting next to Merlin on their couch.

“We’ve got seven left, which means we’ve got three more to get rid of.”

“All right, I’ll find a home for Fitzwilliam, and you can push Miss Havisham and Rosamund onto somebody.”

Merlin scoffed.

“What?” Harry teased.

“You practically bullied Eggsy into taking three cats, yet _I’m_ the one who pushes cats.” Merlin joked.

“Considering I got rid of more cats than you, I can use whatever verb I want.”

Both men smiled. This was easier than they thought.

 

“Lancelot. Would you like a cat?”

Roxy, who had just gotten back from a mission and really didn’t have time for this shit, responded, “What the hell?”

“We’re downsizing on our cats.” Merlin explained. “Do you want one? Or maybe two?”

“I’m not sure how my dog would like a cat roaming about.”

“I think you’d like Miss Havisham and Rosamund. They’re lesbians.”

“Lesbian cats?”

“Yes.”

“You’re absurd.”

“I may be, but I’m not lying.”

Roxy laughed. “Why can’t you just give them away to a shelter or something?”

“Because we want to make sure our cats are doing okay.”

“That makes no sense whatsoever, but if it makes you leave me alone, I will _consider_ taking your lesbian cats off your hands.”

“Okay. I’ll get Percival to deliver them to you.”

“I said I’d consider it, Merlin.”

“Too bad. Deal’s done. The cats’ll be yours by this afternoon.”

 

“Hey, Percival, do you want a–”

“Merlin already deposited one on me, thanks.”

“Shit.” Harry sat down on the couch in the Kingsman breakroom, which was barely bigger than a broom closet. Percival was going over mission notes at the table.

“How many do you have left?”

“We’re trying to get rid of three more, only one of which I’m in charge of.”

“Which one?”

“Fitzwilliam.”

“Hmm.”

“He’s a very sweet cat. Rather old, but all that means is he’s less likely to get into mischief.”

Percival sighed. “I’ll take the cat.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I might as well.”

“Percival you amazing son of a bitch you!” Harry exclaimed. He couldn’t wait to tell Merlin.

 

Later, in the evening, as Merlin and Harry were clinking their wine glasses together to toast their semi-catlessness, one of the remaining cats jumped upon the table.

“You know, this house is going to be so much quieter without all those little troublemakers.” Merlin remarked.

“That’s true. But I will miss them.”

Merlin nodded in agreement. “I feel like a parent whose child has just gone off to college.”

“As do I. But it’s for the best, isn’t it? We were becoming cat hoarders.”

“That’s very true. And life with four cats is good enough.”


End file.
